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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Where The Streets Have No Name

In the late 1980s, a Miami street was named in honor of a prominent, well-politically connected, very-much-alive  businessmen who later turned out to be in the business of narcotics importation and wholesale distribution.  The sign was quickly removed and replaced with one reading "Drug Dealer Blvd" apparently under the theory that the chances of another well-connected prominent Miami business person - this was after all the official home of Miami Vice - being honored with a street naming had a better than 67% chance of also being a drug kingpin, duke or earl.

The urgency to honor people undeserving of such honors results in such travesties as New York City's Bernard Madoff Center for Business Ethics, the George W. Bush Peace Pavilion in Washington, D.C. or London's famed Jack The Ripper School for Wayward Girls.

In order to avert such scandals in the future, I propose that no street could be named, no plaque or statue erected, no battleship christened or Martian crater cataloged in honor of a real person until such individual has been dead for a minimum of 25 years. 

And for people who have risen to prominence in commerce, politics or professional/college sports, the time limit should be 50 years. 

In the event that a person is honored prematurely and later behavior is revealed that would have precluded such an honor in the first place, I recommend the following remedy. All physical manifestations of such honors should be - at the earliest opportunity - pulled from their moorings by chains attached to decommissioned military tanks and the fallen statuary, mural, plaque, etc. be beaten furiously with shoes wielded by angry volunteers.  It's the only way.

Penn State? Are you listening?

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