Arnett Spuckler: The Lost Interview

I'm posting a raw unedited transcript of an interview I conducted with famed reclusive musician Arnett Spuckler in 1997 or 2004. Some of it's a little rough, probably due to Arnett's busy performance schedule and the difficulty of getting a good night's sleep on the road.

Also, the audio was initially recorded on a 75 pound 1948 Wollensak wire recorder and then transferred to Betamax video tape, then to compressed cassette tape data backup then to 119 5 1/4 floppy disks as wav file segments, then to 100 megabyte Zip drive disks and finally to an experimental 3D tri-phasic lattice matrix diamond-molybdenum-phosphoric acid gel cube for which no reader has yet been invented. (sound of tape recorder being moved on a table)

TK: Sorry. Ok, It's... ok. running now. Let's do those... ok, do those just one more time, I promise... Arnett, in 1969 you were the last known traveling troubadour in America officially licensed by the National Society of Itinerant Independent Musicians, if I have that correctly. End of an era, wasn't it?

AS: Like I just said three times already, it was 1979. and it was The American Guild of Traveling Buskers, but they didn't license anyone. I was just a member.


TK: I see. According to my research you traveled for many years in an unusual lime green 1968 Volkswagen camper with distinctive psychedelic graphics painted by renowned pop icon and artist Peter Max.

AS: It was a 1994 Winnebago, actually. Regular paint job. No graphics. Peter Max is a great artist, that's for sure.

TK: Yes, definitely. This Winnebago was acquired after selling your Volkswagen?

AS: I've never owned A Volkswagen

TK: Did you ever rent one?

AS: No.

TK: Borrow one?

AS: No.

TK: Ride in one?

AS: Did you say you worked for a magazine? A newspaper? How did you get thi...

TK: That's fascinating.... A pivotal event in your career was meeting music legend Elvis Presley. What was that like?

AS: I never met Elvis.

TK: What was THAT like?

AS: Not meeting Elvis?

TK: Yes.

AS: It was ok, I suppose. Where are you getting these ques...

TK: Interesting.... Yes, I can just imagine. Wow. Elvis. The King.

AS: Are we about done here?

TK: I have a few more questions.

AS: Ok.

TK: As you traveled the highways, the byways, the villages and hamlets of this country, you spent many nights in small town jails for violating vagrancy, loitering and performing without a permit ordinances. Did meeting interesting people in jail inspire many of your songs?

AS: I was never arrested or put in jail. Where do you get this stuff? I've gotten a few tickets over the years, mostly parking tickets.

TK: Did the parking tickets inspire any of your songs?

AS: Well, I suppose. One. "Hey, What's That On My Windshield?" is a protest song I wrote about parking tickets and the growing threat of thermonuclear war.

TK: Ah, yes, that was a B side recording to your chart-topping cover of "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" in 1976, wasn't it?

AS: No, I never recorded the windshield song and I've never covered "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head". Good tune, tho.

TK: Yes, indeed, an excellent tune. I'm curious about your instruments. Your prized ukelele - the white one you called Miranda, I believe - sold recently at a charity auction for an astounding $2,570,000.

AS: I've never owned a ukelele.

TK: And what would your reaction be if you did have a ukelele and it sold for such a huge amount?

AS: What? I don't know... I suppose I'd be happy about it. For charity and all...

TK: Would you say, perhaps, this attitude is what accounts for your reputation as a humble yet generous philanthropist?

AS: I don't know about any reputation like that.

TK: Yes, of course... humble to a fault. Let me see... (sound of paper rustling) Ok, here... During the mid 1990s you were a vocal advocate of expanding international land mine use and had many volatile public confrontations with England's Princess Diana, who adamantly opposed the weapons on humanitarian grounds.

AS: I never met Princess Diana and I never supported land mine use. Look, I have a meeting with my attorney in 45 minutes, so I'm going to have to cut thi...

TK: Just a few more then. You must be aware of the rumors claiming that you're about to retire from the music business and pursue a new career at 76 in mixed martial arts or ultimate fighting competition.

AS: I have to go.

TK: One more question.

AS: I'm leaving.

TK: Can I call you if I have more questions?

(sound of door slamming)

TK: Wow. Arnett Spuckler! That was awesome! And everyone said interviewing celebrities was harder than it looks... HA!