Summer Blockbuster Movie Previews

As the summer blockbuster movie season unfolds, three of the most anticipated major studio releases have something in common.  The stars of these films are all based on characters from television commercials. 

With the recent news from Hollywood that every comic book, toy franchise and video game ever published has been used as the basis for at least one film in the last 20 years, the industry is eager for new inspiration. Is this purely profit-driven cultural desperation or is it just another case of greedy commercial exploitation? Let's take a look at three big-budget summer releases that exemplify this trend.

"Can't Touch This" is Expiry Pictures' first entry into the full-length commercial-character-driven category starring a masterful Paul Giamatti as Mr. Whipple, the beleaguered grocery store manager obsessed with a seemingly endless parade of housewives intent on manhandling his neat display of toilet tissue. A common characteristic of the genre is the presentation of an elaborate backstory for the main character.  The opening scene of "Can't Touch This" depicts a young Whipple masturbating furiously, surrounded by impossibly tall mounds of clotted tissue.  What could have been ick-worthy cinema was handled sensitively with an impressive turn by newcomer Lance Bookender as the troubled teen.

An over-the-top fantasy sequence consisting of a Busby Berkley-esque chorus line wearing tissue paper dresses along with horrifying graphic violence involving a gang of matronly grocery store thieves could have been half as long and made the same thematic contribution, just as well. The surprise ending featuring the reprise of Glenne Headley's Kimberley Clark heiress character from 1989's Dirty Rotten Scoundrels set up the inevitable talk of sequels and Expiry execs confirm at least five scripts are in development should this debut perform as expected.  And, yes, former rapper M.C. Hammer makes a delightful cameo as parachute pants-wearing grocery chain bazillionaire Tyrone C. Hammer, while also supplying the updated theme song for the closing credits.

"Show Me The Dough, Boy!" is Trivial Productions' 3D/CGI entry in the mismatched-buddy road picture category starring the Kool Aide pitcher and the Pillsbary Doughboy. The popular commercial characters embark on a cross country trip to escape international terrorist/bank robber/computer hackers whose plans for a major attack on America is overheard when the terrorists unknowingly serve Kool Aide in the iconic pitcher at a terror cell meeting.  At first the pitcher and the animated lump of dough are at each other's throats with an eventual rapprochement possible but not likely. Subplots involving a visit to a strip club and a meet-cute moment with a buxom stripper with a heart of gold seem tacked on and gratuitous. 

If you think the FBI might drop in to rescue our intrepid pitcher and doughboy during a dizzying high speed jet-ski chase through the Grand Canyon's roiling Colorado River, you'll have to see the film to find out.  But an unnamed major theme park is rumored to be planning a $25 million roller coaster called Kool Aide Pitcher & Pillsbary Doughboy's Grand Canyon Jet-Ski Adventure ride.

Script work and pre-production planning on "Show Me The Dough, Boy! II and "Show Me The Dough, Boy! III" has already begun.

Complementing outstanding visual production values is the very competent voice acting talent of Chinese nationals Wen Li Chou, Kwon Xi Pa and Xiao Chi. Unconfirmed reports indicate the three were each paid a relatively modest $5,000, comprising an unusually small percentage of the reported $195,000,000 overall budget.

In an industry first, sources close to the production say the entire production and marketing budget was provided by Mexican drug cartel financiers eager to launder massive elicit drug profits. Savvy Hollywood money-men may have unlocked an exciting new source of financing for ever more expensive productions.

Finally, the mega-blockbuster most anxiously awaited is the live-action/CGI/political/sci-fi/comedy/spy thriller from Occluded Vision Productions called "Diggster" featuring the eponymous animated dermatophyte from the Lamostil toenail fungus remedy commercials. The plot, involving a mysterious athlete's foot infection plaguing visitors to the US Congressional health club locker room, sinister space aliens, Russian spies, a talking circus seal named Mike, an adorable set of conjoined triplets, a stolen floppy disk and no less that 8 separate cases of mistaken identity, unfolds in predictable fashion. 

What sets this film apart are the breathtaking special effects, many of which give us an intimate look at the fascinating inner lives of toenail fungus, the stirring and unrelentingly loud soundtrack, from industrial emo noise rap-rockers "F Ewe", and the innovative use of pop-up advertising windows and a continuous 'product placement information" crawl across the bottom 1/3 of the screen.  After the first hour, you hardly even notice it.

I highly recommend all three of these films and look forward to such expected year-end holiday season mega-hits as "Mr. Clean: Dirt Avenger", "Speedy Alka Seltzor Undersea Adventure, Part 1, and Flo, The Insurance Girl in "Naughty Girls In Cell Block D".