Bumbles The Clown

As the gun control debate rages on in the wake of multiple high profile mass-casualty public shootings, we're going to repost a transcript of an interview we did recently which illustrates the complexity of the issue.

Our guest today is Bumbles, The Clown.  He's a children's entertainer in a western U.S. state who has asked us not to divulge his actual name for security reasons.  Bumbles is at the heart of a controversy in his community over his recent decision to begin carrying weaponry he says he needs to defend himself from possible assaults.  Some of his clients have objected to the hardware and the customary battle lines have been drawn.

Bumbles, thank you for coming today,

Thank you, I appreciate the opportunity to speak with you.

How long have you been a clown?

Professionally, 17 years,  But I started performing for fun when I was about 13.

You do parties and such?

Birthday parties, lots of kids' parties.  But I also do retail promotions for businesses, community street festivals, parades, things like that.  I did a funeral once for a guy who wanted to tweak his family after he was gone.  But, mostly parties.

You've come to this interview in costume and full make-up.

Yes, this is what I wear to my performances.

Since this is an audio-only interview, may I ask to you describe what you look like?

Oh, sure.  I'm 6'6" tall, including the 4" tall size 38 platform shoes and the multi-coloerd acrylic wig.  My outfit is a standard Bozo "Infinea 3500" model clown suit with classic "J"-style buttons and custom color-coordinated hand-sewn edging on all seams.  My makeup, a modern interpretation of the classic whiteface style, is registered with the International Clown College Makeup Database under ID#686516848.

You've described your clown appearance for us, but it's your... accessorizing that's caused a bit of controversy in your community, the identity of which you've asked me not to disclose on the air.

Right.  well, there are some legal issues involved and my lawyer asked me to just hold back on the location for now.

How would you describe the controversy?

About 18 months ago, I was mugged on my way to the car after a gig.  After that incident, I decided to protect myself against future such incidents and began carrying a concealed .38 caliber revolver inside my costume.

You had a concealed carry permit?

I was legally carrying the gun.  That's all I can say at this time.

And no one at the parties knew you had the gun?

It was concealed so...

Presumably the controversy didn't start with a concealed handgun.  What happened to make it a public issue?

Well, I started to realize that with the costume being what it is, I wouldn't necessarily have ready access to a weapon in the event I needed it to protect myself. So, I began to add some hardware that increased my firepower while also making it easier to access.

Ok, so describe what you're wearing now, in addition to your traditional billowy white and multi-colored polka dotted clown costume.

First, I have two Gluck 9mm semi-automatic pistols with 17 round clips under each arm.  The holsters and the guns are dyed and powder-coated white to blend in with the clown costume.  Then I have a pistol-grip, 9" barrel close quarters urban combat 8 round Colletti Bros. model UC12 pump action 12 gauge shotgun in an over-the-shoulder-access carbon-fiber custom-molded quick-release competition back bracket. I have a 14" Malaysian Special Forces field machete strapped to my left leg and a 9" Carrington SpecOps model T140 carbon steel stealth bayonet strapped to my right leg.  Inside my left sleeve I have a spring-loaded Bicklemaster deployment slide carrying a 9 shot .380 semiautomatic titanium-billet JW&P compact pistol and inside my left sleeve I have another Bicklemaster that deploys a similar 7 round high-compression polymer JW&P pistol racking 8 .357 magnum hollow-point "Elephant Stoppers". I wear a ProtecTech kevlar gut & groin protector that doubles as a case for a short muzzle Spec9 fully automatic .32 cal machine pistol with fold-out stock and 2 reversible high-cap 43 round magazines with a combined capacity of 87 rounds which can be fired in less than 15 seconds in fully auto mode.

What's in the pouches around your waist?

I have 2 250ml canisters of NATO Cat4 CS Gas Crowd Dispersant Aerosol, 22 sets of plastic hand and leg restraint zipties, a Soviet Marine Corps foldup Poison Gas head shield, 2 flash-bang grenades, 2 smoke bombs, two Perimeter Corp 152db compressed gas-powered 30 second shriekers, 4 oz of C4 plastic explosive, 3 feet of blasting cord, 2 butane igniters and 75 feet of mil-grade camo paracord, plus several items I'm not at liberty to disclose.

And what's that attached to the machete handle?

My lucky rabbit's foot.

Well...  You're prepared for anything.

I hope so.  I do enjoy tinkering with my rig trying different components, adding in, taking out, but, yes,  this is the basic set-up.

The reaction of your clients has been...

Look, the kids love the gear. And once the 'Never Touch Bumbles" rule is understood, I can't really say there's ever been a serious problem.  Some of the parents have been less supportive.

A child at a party discharged one of your guns into a birthday cake.

Ok, I knew you were going to bring that up.  Yeah, I used to wear, mostly for sentimental reasons, an antique .22 caliber 5 shot mini-revolver in a competition holster at the small of my back.  The security strap must have come loose and a 6 year old boy got the piece out without my detecting it and fired one round into the cake.  That's all that happened. No one was injured, no damage done, no charges filed. And I've since ensured that no weapons can be accessed without my knowledge.  End of story.

But you can understand why some parents...

Some parents love the gear.  I do rocker Ted Nougat's kids birthday parties every year and he hires me to work security at their big Christmas/Engandered Species BBQ bash every December.  I do the annual National Gun Association family picnic and I do lots of tea party parties. So, yeah, a few parents might have a qualm, but...

The local city council is voting on a ban against weaponized entertainers performing for kids.

That ban is sponsored by a councilman whose wife had hired me for their kid's 8th birthday party and passed out when she opened the door and saw me.  But that was before I camoed everything to fit with the costume.  The ban is unconstitutional and my backers will take it to the Supreme Court, if necessary, to overturn it, assuming it even passes.

Your backers?

I'm not at liberty to identity or discuss them at this time.

Your machine gun has red and green polka dots.

Actually, it's an automatic machine pistol, and yes, it has polka dots. 

Do you think this level of armament for clowns will become more popular?

Absolutely.  Believe me, a lot more clowns are carrying guns in public every day than you'd ever imagine.  I guarantee you that.

Ok, well, Bumbles The Clown, I want to thank you for speaking with us.

Thank you.  I enjoyed it.

Oh, one last question. What's that ominous looking silver cylinder hanging around your neck on a string?

That's a slide whistle.