A new theme restaurant called "tHal" has recently opened in the former Lenscrafter property next to the Interstate cloverleaf west of town. Based on scientific research into the lifestyles of the brutish and prehistoric, tHal attempts to recreate how the Neanderthal peoples lived in central Europe 15,000 to 45,000 years ago.
First, the decor: I'll admit it. I was impressed. As soon as you walk in the door from the parking lot, you feel like you're in a dark, dank cave back before modern man walked the earth. Stalagtites and stalagbites jut out from the ceiling and floor, respectively (it's easy to remember the difference: the 't' in stalagtites reminds us of 'top" or ceiling and the "b" in stalagbites reminds us of "bottom" or mineral deposits that appear to grow up from the floor), flickering LED lighting simulating campfires, crude cave wall drawings and the horrifying recorded screams of fellow Neanders being carried off by predatory saber-tooth tigers all add to the exciting ambiance.
Even the smells of the scantily fur-clad young wait staff is based upon archeological research indicating the Neanderthal only bathed in alternate leap years.
Our waitress, who grunted that her name is "Oog", was as efficient and pleasant as you'd expect any young woman with a prominent eyebrow ridge and thick visible back hair would be.
But what about the food?, I'm sure our readers want to know. I can honestly say that each time I've eaten at tHal, I've become more accustomed to the cuisine. During the last visit, my companion - who I'll refer to as "my niece" - and I began with ox-blood cocktails, then appetizers of live mealworm grubs, raw inner bark of the willow tree, singed venison haunches with whole skin-on salamanders and handfuls of fresh green oak leaves. We washed everything down with the generous servings of stagnant pond water they brew in 55 gallon drums out back.
Our hosts for the evening and tHal owners Bart and Bettina Wiklerson, assured us that the powerful gag reflex experienced by most guests does indeed lessen in intensity after 6-12 visits. It's also why every tHal meal ends with a stomach-settling complimentary scoop of homemade vanilla ice cream served "in the Neanderthal manner" as opposed to claiming true authenticity due to compelling evidence the Neanderthal strongly preferred chocolate pudding to vanilla ice cream.
I rate tHal 4 out of 5 stars. Come for the ambiance and stay for the wriggling grubs! Casual dress recommended. No reservations necessary. All major credit card accepted. Meals run a reasonable $12 to $28 not including the fresh blood cocktails, tax and gratuities.
In accordance with Neanderthal custom, tHal is closed on Mondays.
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